The Godfather: Peter Corris on TV ads

Tags: Graham Kennedy/ Stuart Wagstaff

Hands up those who mute the television when the advertisements come on. Hands up those who record programs rather than watch them at the scheduled time so as to be able to fast-forward through the ads when replaying.

I watched advertisements on television for decades before the technology became available to avoid them. My family got TV in 1960 and I must have seen hundreds of advertisements on the black and white screen as I watched variety shows, quizzes, football, westerns and crime shows. Remarkably I can remember almost none of them.

I remember Graham Kennedy successfully spruiking (against all conventional wisdom) Raoul Merton shoes with the line, ‘If they’re hurtin’, they must be Raoul Merton.’

Stuart Wagstaff, a non-smoker, was sophistication itself in advertising gold-packeted Benson & Henson cigarettes. They seemed to be the height of chic, but I didn’t smoke them, preferring non-filters and rollies, nor did I wear Raoul Mertons.

That’s all I recall from the black and white era. When colour arrived there was occasional wit – an ad featuring a very good actor with the punchline, ‘Why didn’t you call?’ and one advertising a brand of motor oil in which a mafia capo growled, ‘Oils ain’t oils.’ I completely forget what the first ad was about and cannot remember what brand of motor oil was advertised.

One ad that sticks in my mind, probably unacceptable now in a time of sensitivity about disabilities, involved a man walking past a pub with a small dog on a leash. He is summoned in for a drink by a friend but notices a ‘No Dogs’ sign. He puts on dark glasses and goes in. The barman points to the sign and the would-be drinker says he has a guide dog. The barman names the usual breeds for guide dogs. The man stares confusedly around him and says, ‘What’ve they given me?’ The punchline comes from the amused barman, ‘Give that man a …’ But for the life of me I can’t remember the brand of the beer.

Nowadays, the advertisements are lost on me because of my poor vision. I mute them and record so as to avoid them. Occasionally though, I’m intrigued by the blurred images and turn on the sound. As often as not the female presenter speaks with a high-pitched chirpy voice I can’t understand and the quick cutting of the piece leaves me mystified.

I think I can honestly claim never to have bought something inspired by a TV advertisement. It’s a saying in the ad world that half of all advertising is useless but no one knows which half. Maybe it all misses its mark and is all sound and fury signifying nothing, feeding off and on itself. A scary thought.