The Godfather: Peter Corris on disqualifications

Novelist, essayist, aspiring politician and wit Gore Vidal once proposed that no one who believed in an afterlife should be eligible for political office. Impractical, I know, but I completely agree; fantasists should not influence the affairs of mortal humans. With varying degrees of seriousness I offer (in an ideal world) further disqualifications:

• No politicians who ride in the back of a taxi, hire vehicle or government car (unless he or she has important business to discuss in the back seat with another person) should continue in office. The quintessential Australian value of egalitarianism requires a demonstrative gesture in support – riding in the front seat – at the very least.
• None who pronounce the words something and anything as ‘somethink’ and ‘anythink’ should be allowed. This error implies lack of attention at school and failure to listen to others, as well as poor acquaintance with the written word – not good attributes for our leaders.
• Similarly, the failure to grasp the difference in usage between the words less and fewer. There are many offenders on both sides of politics as well as commentators. To be generous, re-education could be an alternative option to dismissal.
• None who wear a collar and tie with a suit when being interviewed on television at the weekend are acceptable as candidates, still less as office-holders. A notable offender is the egregious Kevin Andrews, who also falls foul of the next stricture, although not the one following.
• No male politician should be guilty of the craven vanity of dyeing his hair to conceal his age.
• None should be endorsed at the earliest level who use a comb-over to cover a bald spot. As with the category above, a severe level of insecurity is thus revealed.
• No male politician should ever be guilty in private, still less in public, of wearing a cardigan. Displaying this, for men, out-dated garment, severely damaged the careers of US President Jimmy Carter and NSW Premier Barry Unsworth. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it.
• There should be a ban on the Windsor-knotted tie – a symbol of absolute conformity with monarchical associations. I’m tempted to suggest that all should follow the example of Senator Penny Wong in her crisp, open-necked shirt, redolent of neatness and competence, but I fear this would be a step too far even in this context. I’m reminded that Pete Steedman MP rocked up to parliament wearing jeans and a leather jacket, and that Don Dunstan wore shorts to the South Australian parliament – oh, the world we have failed to grasp.